I feel so lost. Mike is still waiting for a bed, it seems Dr. S.B's urgency messages didn't get through to the powers that be at the QE. They are not in a rush. Mike has had enough. He is ready to tell them to forget all about the SCT. This morning he said he has gotten to the point of letting nature take its course. I don't know what I am supposed to say to him. If I "support" his decision I will be accused of being heartless at some point. If I disagree, then I am unsympathetic as I don't know what his life is like.
All this after weeks and months of optimism. When Mike has recovered from his SCT there is a slim chance of a kidney transplant. Mike was already making plans about what he would be able to do to get back to work. Lots of wonderful plans, none of which really involved me. Little old me would have to find her own way. Sitting at home looking after him whilst running a small eBay business would become me running a small eBay business alone. I should jump at the chance, but I know I would go crazy all alone day after day.
I wish I had once known what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had a clue, never had a vocation or a plan. Others knew and still know what they want from life. I just stumbled along. The jobs I have done in the past have always been to the best of my ability, but they were never professional in nature. No-one is knocking my door down saying please come and work for us. The obvious direction would of course be care work, but I have to question whether I really have the patience for it. Mike often "complains" about the way I do things and I get upset. Hardly the right way to be with a patient.
No I need a hero. Someone to take me by the hand and lead me in the right direction. I need a miracle.
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No, Lorna, you do not need a hero. You need to know that you are, in your own right, a powerful woman. You have weathered some tough times and come through. You have a compassionate nature (if not the patience to deal with impatient patients - LOL) and I am sure have many useful skills if you could find the right outlet. I would suggest going to a kind of temporary services agency and have them do a skills assessment with you so you can find out how what you like to do and what you are capable of doing can be matched up. Not being professional is not a negative judgment; there are plenty of non-professionals who do important services... like plumbers and mechanics and child care workers. But as you have explored the 'jobs' you have had over the years, was there one or two that you really really enjoyed, got great satisfaction from it? The people you worked with? That's your clue for the future. As an example (for me) I love to work in jobs that have to do with the present moment (news, public relations) and the potential for solving/managing crises. I love the adrenalin, the rush, the urgency of it all. (But I was an adrenalin junky and wore mine down so I've had to retire... but when the bell rings, my dalmatian spots twitch and I want to run after the fire engine!!) Hope this is helpful and encouraging,dear one!!
ReplyDeleteDear Sandy. Thank you for your reply. I will take on board your advice and keep it in mind should I ever be released from caring for Mike duties. For now I have to be Mike's hero.
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DeleteAs a carer who works full time in the field and as a daughter who cared for her own mother I can tell you it is not at all the same. Caring for my mother was more of an expectation. And not in a bad way necessarily. It's just something you do. But working as a carer in home support is totally different. I do a job, I support my clients and do a great job. I work hard. I advocate. I do things to let them know that I care. I do things to make them laugh. Then I go home and put my feet up.
ReplyDeleteI think you would be great as a carer. It is an incredibly rewarding career. With the baby boomers aging, you will never be out of a job.
Hi Birdie
DeleteI really appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. Thinking about it I can see that you are right about the difference between caring for a loved one and caring as a career. You can leave grumpy old misery guts at work, you can't leave your loved one :)
Right now I cannot do anything other than look after Mike, but I will bear in mind that it is a job for the future.
Lorna