Me, all me.

This blog entry is a completely selfish one. Some of it might not make any sense and some of it might be taboo. My head is so full of s*** and the flies buzzing around are driving me crazy. So the following post is my attempt to muck out and is possibly totally random. 

I realised yesterday evening as I sat alone watching the TV that this is exactly what my life is going to be like when Mike is gone and I don't like it. People try to be nice and say things like "he'll be out of hospital soon", but that really isn't he point is it? Mike has Myeloma and now no kidneys to speak of. The life expectancy on dialysis is 5 -10 years, it's really a case of which will get him first. 

The grieving process is a terrible thing. So painful at the start, but as everyone knows, over time we are able to think of someone we have loved without the tears always flowing. For me that grieving process was begun with Mike's diagnosis. Every time he has been really ill it is as if I have been told again of his possible demise. Unlike somebody who has actually lost their loved one I cannot begin to move on, Mike is still alive, could be next week, a year, 5 years. We are all mortal, but most of society don't ever think they are going to die. I don't want to die, I don't want Mike to die, but after 5 years of being stuck at the same stage of grief I do feel as if I need a break from it. 

Like I said, I'm not sure whether I am alone in my state of limbo, whether other carers feel the same or if any ever have. I'm not a bad person really. I want them to cure Mike and give me back the man I married (yes I know he was already faulty when I married him!) I'm tired of sitting on this cliff edge, I hate heights.