Would you believe it!

Nearly a year has passed since my last blog entry.  So many times I have thought of posting, so many times I have decided not to bother as nothing has really changed. I kept waiting for that massive / small improvement in either Mike's health or mine, but  it hasn't happened. 

After over twelve months of no change, and with the news that there is now no chance of being put on the kidney transplant list (we had been told he would be put on the list once he had recovered from his SCT) Mike's thoughts have turned to what he wants to do when they tell him his myeloma is back or his dialysis is not working. It is now his myeloma and his kidney disease, I am the carer, nurse, slave, who tends to his every demand and need, nothing more, nothing less. 

I try desperately not to be bitter, but I have no time to be ill, he is always worse off than me. I permanently mourn the loss of the man I married, the Mike I have now is overly demanding and selfish. His insistence on being optimistic at all times gives me no emotional room to express doubts and fears, he no longer cares how I feel if I am not feeling optimistic. 

I so want to be happy and cheerful. I want to be happy with him. I fear I may never be happy again.

Now I feel awful that this post is so negative. I will try and find something more positive for my next post.  x x x