Tuesday, 18 December 2018


If I could have just 24 hours with the man I married I would happily give up the rest of time.

Monday, 17 December 2018


Today I feel so alone. There is no-one to help with the caring. No-one to help with the day to day tasks. No-one to help with the Christmas preparations. No-one to talk to. 

If you are reading this, just say hi. 

Sunday, 16 December 2018

Why do things not turn out as expected?

When Mike and I met we were far from spring chickens, we would often talk lightheartedly about looking after each other in "old age". That time has come rather sooner than expected. Mike and I imagined that we would be caring with good humour and pleasantness, the reality is very different. Mike is miserable and bitter (I know it is hard to be infirm and ill) without so much as a thank you if I do something he has asked, and a far worse mood ensues if I do something he hasn't asked.  All of this adds to my woes, how do I maintain the expected positivity and humour when all I receive is negativity and bad temper? I don't know how others do it. I'm ready to run and keep on running. Poor Toni never gets walked, I never get fresh air (unless you count the air I get walking between the car and the supermarket.). My brain is fried, I can't remember a thing, and my body is struggling to cope with the simplest tasks.  I can't settle down and read, or even relax in the bath. Even as I sit here at the computer I can hear his constant cough......

As promised

This is what I made yesterday, the chocolate brownies probably won't last until Christmas, so I can't really gift them. They only got made as I bought some 95% cocoa chocolate and I couldn't eat it as it was so bitter.

Pecan brittle

Smashed pecan brittle

Pecan brittle in tins.
Not an awful lot for one day, but I used all my eggs on the brownies and as Mike was on the machine, I couldn't exactly go out and buy more 😀.

Saturday, 15 December 2018

What have I been doing?

Clearly that is a rhetorical question.Only ten days until Christmas Day and I haven't made a single present. I had such grand plans and then life happened. We spent all morning yesterday at the hospital trying to get Mike some help with his breathing, the day before it was two units of blood. Both have helped in an infinitesimal way. Mike still only manages the stairs once a day, down in the morning, up at night. I had imagined that I would get things done on the days he does dialysis, three hours should be enough time shouldn't it? It would be if I wasn't running up and down the stairs with food, drink, a hot water bottle, hand warmers, a second hot water bottle........ Add into the mix a charming granddaughter three afternoons a week and you have a recipe for failure. 

Will people forgive me? Who knows, most of them have no idea what we are going through, Mike isn't the sort to complain on FB and I'm not on there anymore (huge sigh of relief from everyone who was tired of my "negative" statuses and constant whining.) The staff at the hospital know, Mike is very open about his feelings, some are ready to assist us should the time come. There's that limbo again. 

I promise to come back tomorrow and show you photos of what I have achieved today, I better get started, Mike is on dialysis shortly and little M. is due at 4 p.m.!

Tuesday, 11 December 2018


Well we came away from yesterday's appointment pretty much none the wiser. Mike had to be wheeled from the car and back again, I'm becoming quite adept at steering the hospital wheelchairs now. The consultant doesn't know why Mike feels so poorly, he doesn't think it is a haematology problem, The draw back of having multiple things wrong with you is that each consultant can blame one of the others. I don't blame Dr. B., out of them all he is really the only one we truly trust. 
Mike has a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Tuesday, hopefully that will provide answers one way or the other. We are due to see Dr. B. again in a month, until then we are in limbo (well I feel like I am, I don't know what Mike is thinking anymore.) 

Sunday, 9 December 2018

The big one.

Tomorrow we have a very important meeting with the haematology consultant. Mike insisted that he couldn't wait until the end of January and had it brought forward. I feel as if I am in a weird world where I suspect there are no answers, for either of us. Mike knows what he is going to say and I just have to nod my head and support him. 

I will fill you in on any news on Tuesday.