So why when I got home did I burst into tears and sob for half an hour? I'd like to tell you all it was tears of joy or relief, but it wasn't. I cried because there is a pretty good chance that at some point in the next five years I will have to go through the same grief that I have felt over the last few days for real. I don't want to have to keep being told I might lose him, for one day I know I will. I don't want him to die, of course I don't, but the niggling "threat" becomes unbearable. Every bout of pneumonia has a risk of sepsis (I hadn't really understood sepsis until now), every infection a ticking time bomb. My heart can't stand the Russian roulette that myeloma creates, and yet I have no choice. I have to stand by and watch and feel it all. I sobbed for all the lost years of innocent living that "normal" couples have.
I will leave the rest of my thought processes to your own imagination. I feel so awful.