I practically have a crystal ball. I am going to be one of those batty old ladies with a pack of dogs, well a couple at least. I'll have no friends as no-one will want to visit my house as it stinks of dog. The only people I ever meet will be other dog owners and even then it will be a cursory "good morning" as we pass in the park. All my pension will be spent on toys and clothing for my dogs, oh and the occasional bottle of gin, "mother's ruin" you know!
I am back from visiting Mike. They have moved him from Accident and Emergency to a proper ward and his "abdo." pain has been diagnosed as pneumonia, which is what we said it could be this morning! Mike is relatively comfortable, I have taken him a new pair of jim-jams (his usual ones have long sleeves no good for cannula or dialysis access) , new slippers (why does he never have any when hospital beckons?) and his own feather pillow. He is on a high dose of codeine so he's nice and drowsy! His BP is still very low, but they are reluctant to pump anymore fluid into him for fear of doing more damage as his kidneys can't process it. I'm going to settle down this evening with a good book, a gin and tonic and just relax, I need it.
That's what I have right now rolling down my face. I had hoped that the first blog entry in months would have been done by Mike, with tales of daring-do. I spoiled that last night. I was going to delete the entry, but I have decided it is more valuable as a record of just how desperate things can get. The tears are also tears of guilt, I have had to leave Mike in the hospital. Mike had arranged for something to be collected today, I said cancel, he insisted I come home and deal with it. Just as well as I was starving. Mike has been admitted with what the doctor is calling abdo. pain but what Mike says is pain in his ribs. Hey ho, you say to-may-to and I say to-mah-to. His blood pressure is extremely low for him and so despite his usual reluctance they have him on very slow IV fluids, Tazocin and painkillers. He managed to get Entonox in the ambulance, which he thoroughly enjoyed. I was a bad caregiver last night. I gave him paracetamol and a bottle of water and went to sleep. How did I know it wasn't just man 'flu?!? :)
I don't know what happened but I want my life back. The life I had before kidney failure came along and spoilt things. Five days a week are spent doing home dialysis. Five days of me doing my best and Mike desperately trying to let me. It is difficult trusting an untrained person with your life. I want my life back. I want Mike's life back. We don't have a life anymore. Tonight Mike is ill, a simple virus. It's the straw that has broken this camel's back.