Saturday, 4 April 2015

Fragile.



Fragile, the word that currently describes and defines me. It isn't the rather lovely fragile that is used to describe a delicate piece of bone china, I'm more stoneware than that. Or the petals of a spring flower, when I was nine my nan told me I had thighs like tree trunks. 

My fragile is more the mental kind, one careless word and I might shatter into a million pieces, I'm already in about a hundred. My "negativity" is bringing Mike down. The Mike who now feels so much better (everyone celebrate because I can't!), who now feels like himself again and who can't understand why I don't. 

The atmosphere has been at times "prickly" over the last couple of days. Things have been said in anger that I will not repeat. 

Mike is having another dialysis session, four hours on the machine today. If Wednesday is anything to go by he'll be home at 7:30 this evening having left at 11:45 when his transport arrived. No different to him going out to work, except he doesn't get paid (Mike's quote not mine.) He tells everyone on FB that he is getting along okay (which he is) and that I'm struggling (which I am). It is treated like a case of man 'flu almost. Something that will soon be gotten over. That's the way Mike sees it, three months of going to the hospital three times a week for dialysis. Then, after a bit of training, the rest of the time DIY at home to suit him, which is fantastic compared with the hours at the hospital. Bad cop sees something different. I cannot articulate the way I am feeling inside which is frustrating. 

I'm depressed, suffering from anxiety and a guilt that I can't be happy that Mike is feeling better. 

3 comments:

  1. Oh honey! I have just caught up on your recent posts and feel like a bad Myeloma Wife - we need to stick together! Is there someone you can talk to outside of your family? because no matter what happens to MIke, you are still YOU and your needs are every bit as important as his! I am reaching through the screen to give you a big hug, but you really really need a Real Life cheerleader to get you through the tough stuff. Those men and their brazen ability to pretend there's nothing wrong...!?! Next time he's out: put on some very loud 1980's music, clear some floor space and dance! You might feel a bit daft, but it will burn off some rage, I promise! take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. Hugs from afar x

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  2. I think it all comes back to the spouse having no support, ever. And you also have to live with the weeks/months or even years of bad days. It is exhausting and soul crushing. And I know what it is like to not want to be too optimistic. That in itself can drown you; the waiting for the other shoe to fall.

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  3. Golly, Lorna, you have to find a living human being who can be your resource for emotional support... pastor, priest, social services... because Mike still needs you and you need him, but you need not to lose yourself, as Roo said. But this blog is also a way for you to vent safely... sending you intentions for guidance to that person, for the highest and best good of all.

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