I knew that Mike’s holiday was going to be difficult for us both but I had hoped that I would find the strength and dignity displayed by those who have gone before me and coped admirably. Cassie was heavily pregnant with raging hormones but did she crumble? No. I know it’s not a competition and everyone is different, but I feel such a failure for not being able to “keep it all together”. I know that the staff looking after Mike are fantastic, it isn’t that, it’s simply my overwhelming desire to care for him that has me in a complete panic because I can’t be with him 24/7 to do so. So all I do is sit, cry, knit 6 stitches, read 1 sentence, make a drink, sit, cry, knit, read…….. the cry part takes the longest.
I wish I was on of those people who at times like this manage to keep themselves busy by cleaning the house from top to bottom. But no, I just become paralysed by it all. I can't settle to do anything, not even play an online game.
Next year I want a pony for Christmas.