As another year comes to an end I thought I would contemplate the year that has gone. At the start of 2018 I gave up FB, I was tired of my own envy for other people's lives. My friends all seemed have endless health for themselves and their family, plenty of time and money for holidays and adventures and generally seemed to be having good lives (I do know that the reality might not have been what they portrayed on FB.) I thought that without the envy I would be happier. Of course Mike is still on FB, and he would on occasion tell me what people were up to, so that didn't help. I also realised that without FB I had very little contact with the outside world. Apart from my family and two very dear friends I have heard from no-one. Unless you count staff at the hospital or check-out staff at the supermarket I speak to no-one. I have been so lonely this year that I wonder if the shallowness of FB is worth rejoining. At least there, my screaming into the darkness is sometimes acknowledged.
Mike's health has not improved despite the chest drain. Yesterday I ordered a wheelchair so we can at least leave the house occasionally. He's still a proud man, and I can see many arguments ensuing as a result.
As for 2019, I'm scared. Scared of being totally alone. Scared of not knowing what I am to do when I am no longer caring for Mike. Scared of the unknown.
Back on the Rollercoaster
5 days ago