Thursday, 12 March 2015

Me, all me.

This blog entry is a completely selfish one. Some of it might not make any sense and some of it might be taboo. My head is so full of s*** and the flies buzzing around are driving me crazy. So the following post is my attempt to muck out and is possibly totally random. 

I realised yesterday evening as I sat alone watching the TV that this is exactly what my life is going to be like when Mike is gone and I don't like it. People try to be nice and say things like "he'll be out of hospital soon", but that really isn't he point is it? Mike has Myeloma and now no kidneys to speak of. The life expectancy on dialysis is 5 -10 years, it's really a case of which will get him first. 

The grieving process is a terrible thing. So painful at the start, but as everyone knows, over time we are able to think of someone we have loved without the tears always flowing. For me that grieving process was begun with Mike's diagnosis. Every time he has been really ill it is as if I have been told again of his possible demise. Unlike somebody who has actually lost their loved one I cannot begin to move on, Mike is still alive, could be next week, a year, 5 years. We are all mortal, but most of society don't ever think they are going to die. I don't want to die, I don't want Mike to die, but after 5 years of being stuck at the same stage of grief I do feel as if I need a break from it. 

Like I said, I'm not sure whether I am alone in my state of limbo, whether other carers feel the same or if any ever have. I'm not a bad person really. I want them to cure Mike and give me back the man I married (yes I know he was already faulty when I married him!) I'm tired of sitting on this cliff edge, I hate heights.


  1. Yes, I know exactly what you mean, we are only 8 months since diagnosis and my husband is recovering well from a SCT. He is very optimistic, but since he nearly died of acute kidney failure in the summer (after appearing in perfect health the week before) I have vivid memories of that time and know what the future will eventually bring. And then who will look after me if I get ill. I really feel for you since what you write is quite realistic. I received my all clear from thyroid cancer after my husband was diagnosed

  2. I get this. Though I was not dealing with a spouse I felt these things when my mom was "terminal" then "palliative". There even came a point when she started to really actively die and was suffering that I wished her dead. I was told later that all these emotions are normal and part of the grieving process. Still, I have great guilt over all of it.

    1. Guilt implies you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong, just trying to do your best. You are human, with feelings. Let this go before it takes a toll on you. Remember the things you feel you did right & well. God bless you

  3. You're not alone. I'm on that same cliff....murr!