Thursday, 21 March 2013

A month already?

I can hardly believe it is almost a month since I last blogged. While the time seems to have flown by, every day life has been slow. Despite my son having moved out just before Christmas it has taken until this week to finally finish decorating and furnishing his old room so that my girls can finally have a bedroom each, not bad given that the one is 20 and the other 18. I am such an inadequate mother. 

Mike finally seems to have shaken off the chest infection that was followed by a bad throat (touch wood!) and is feeling more like his normal self. 

The lack of progress on the various projects I have started frustrates me. The cause and effect of the frustration is my old foe depression. I achieve nothing, I get depressed, the depression paralyses me and I achieve nothing. I have struggled with depression all my adult life. Often it arrives for no apparent reason and I can work my way through various methods until it lifts. The real problem is when it arrives for a reason outside of my control like now. Financial worries are wide spread, and there are others far worse off, I know. I can say it to you all, but in reality right now I only care about me, Mike and my girls. Yet I can do nothing, I am paralysed by the fear of losing everything. My head is frantically trying to work out a solution and at the same time trying to bury itself in the sand. While others are busy writing out their bucket lists of wonderful things they want to do I am writing out a list of how I can save money in order to keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. OK it hasn't quite got to that stage yet, but it might do soon. 

I just hope the lottery ticket I bought wins tomorrow. 

8 comments:

  1. dear lorna,

    i am so sorry for what you are going through; i hope that just the act of writing about it all may have helped - you know, catharsis, lightbulb moment, or other some such inspiration. i will be "believing" for you that a solution, a good, workable one will materialize for you.

    so glad to hear that both you and mike are out of the woods health wise. and bravo for all the redecorating for your girls to each have their own rooms. that's huge in my eyes - i can't even get a coat of paint on a ceiling that's needed it for the past 6 months!

    love, xoxo
    karen, TC

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    1. Dear Karen

      Well I do feel a little better, but I am still waiting for that light bulb moment. Mind you, with my brain I'd be lucky to have a candle moment. :-)

      Lorna

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  2. Only those who have suffered from depression understand the depths of your pain. With all you have going on I think anyone would be depressed. Yet you have the will to support Mike and the children, and all of us who read and appreciate your blog.

    I hope you're able to find, each day, a sliver of time for yourself. You too are important in all of this.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Stephen. I do try and make time for myself, but things tend to happen just when I am. :-)

      Lorna

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  3. I will align with your lottery ticket being a winner, Lorna... and I want to encourage you to try SEPIA (homeopathic tiny little balls - three in the morning and three in the evening - at 30 per) can make all the difference in the depressing thoughts.

    And, please please please don't give up on your precious home. While you have provided a home for the girls, it is important for them to be aware of the circumstances and perhaps a family Think-Out-Loud session might be a way for everyone to come up with ways to solve the problems... no secrets, and no beating up on you for any reason!!

    So often we think we have to manage all alone and that is just not the case! I am a work in progress, but am learning that when we ask for help, we might just get it, and certainly whatever the answers are they are not a reflection of who we are or who we think we are not. Intending some great breakthroughs and help are coming for you now!

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    1. Dear Sandy

      I had already had the discussion with my daughters, without much success. The lack of jobs over here (and elsewhere) makes things tough, hence needing a lottery win! :-)

      Lorna

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  4. Yeah, I buy those lottery tix when the prize gets to be really big. I think, don't we deserve to win after all the bad luck we've had? It's very hard to motivate yourself when this MM is looming over your head. One look at my house and how behind I am in paperwork could tell that story well. And it sucks having to worry about money on top of that. Tim just got out of the hospital with a dangerous case of shingles. I think to myself, the day he can't work anymore, we are in big trouble financially. I don't know the answers to all this Lorna, but, I do know you are not alone. I'm taking baby steps to try to catch up around here and starting to take night classes for computers knowing I will have to go back to work in the future. I guess the best thing is to sit down and develop a plan, like you're doing, and just take those baby steps to make it happen.

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  5. I am sorry that I missed this post.

    Depression is a nasty b****. Add financial worries and health problems to that and it is hard to even take a breath. And yes, it paralyses you. We have always heard about the Fight or Flight Response but we are just not hearing about the Freeze response. I wish I had word of wisdom but I have nothing. All I can say is I am here and I understand. Sending love to you.

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